All posts by Eanne

Dear Mr. Blizzard

Illidan go boom.

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employbot #37: I hate to disturb you sir, but he’s back.
BRDE:mg (III): Who is, 37?
37: That mage sir, it’s an email this time.
BRDE:mg (III): Getting me demoted last time wasn’t enough? Pretend we never got it, throw it in the trash bin, 37.
37: I can’t sir, it’s got one of those “notify sender upon receipt” flags set.
BRDE:mg (III): Damn him, he’s thought of everything… <sighs> what is it this time?
37: Uhh, <gulps> well… it starts off with “NYAA NYAA NYAA NYAAAAAAGH NYAGH” and kind of gets worse from there.
BRDE:mg (III): Oh hell <clutches head>, the migraine’s coming back… what did they do this time?
37: Well, Illidan sir…, here, scan down past the, uh, what he calls “metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusts”, to the part that says…

…my 4 year old son and I have been talking about your lack of ability to stop our guild from progressing past Illidan, the aforementioned being disdainfully surpassed this week. Despite prior attempts to encourage you to do so, you seem insufficient to the task of stopping Calzowned, so it seems more effort from our end is required… As such, please find enclosed a roadmap from my son on blocking our progress; failure to do so will result in future incursions into Sunwell Plateau, and the ongoing disregard (and subsequent metaphoric/virtual pelvic thrusting) concerning the quality and difficulty of content therein.

Dear Mr. Blizzard.

My name is Seth, and my Daddy says you guys need some help, so I watched the mean Calzowned people and made a list of some things you can do to make them stop.

#1 Daddy says the tank people aren’t very smart. He said they get hit in the head a lot, so it’s not really their fault, and that we should learn to like them for who they are. I like they’re not smart because it makes me feel smarter, except Mr. Menoch… he casts spells so he must be smart, but Mr. Bizzam, Mr. Throt, and Mr. Kenja all just stand there looking silly while things hit them, and that doesn’t seem smart. Daddy calls them tanks, and I was thinking that my tanks are all made of metal and stuff, so maybe you could drop some bombs on them, but then I was thinking that you need the bombs to fall from something, and then I thought of wasps. Wasps scare me, so I bet you could make Mr. Bizzam and Mr. Throt run away by flying wasps near them. But not Mr. Kenja ‘cuz he’s a bear, and bears like honey so they’re not afraid of bees, so he’s probably not afraid of wasps either. But maybe if the wasps drop bombs on them they would run away because bomb dropping wasps sure sound scary to me.

#2. My daddy shoots stuff out of his hands, (well her hands which is kind of complicated because he’s a she in world of warcraft but not over here). Sometimes daddy gets mad when a Hopkins makes more numbers than he does, so he yells at the screen which I don’t like. Could you make the Hopkins stop making big numbers so daddy will be happier (he also gets mad at warlocks, and then he says words that mommy says he shouldn’t, and that I’m not going to say until someday when I get mad at warlocks too). I think that the people making the numbers at Mr. Illidan wouldn’t be so bad if the tanks run away, but then I thought, that if someone were throwing numbers at me, I’d probably get so mad I would cry. So maybe Mr. Illidan could cry when the people making the numbers don’t stop (except my daddy, because the numbers make him happy so he plays with me more, but not tickling, because then I have to go to the bathroom. .. He can tickle my sister though).

Mr. Chutoi and Miss Gintora hit things with axes and stuff, and sometimes they hit things too hard, and the things gets mad at them, so maybe you could make Mr. Illidan get mad at them and the other people that hit him with things like Mr. Sajun and Mr. Interfishy-uns. I bet if he got really mad they would stop, and if they didn’t, he could hit them back and I bet it would hurt because he’s bigger than they are. When I’m bad, Mommy makes me go on timeout. I hate timeout, so maybe the best way to make people stop making numbers at Mr. Illidan is to make them go on timeout. On the other hand, Mr. Chutoi seems to make things plenty mad as it is, and then he has to take a nap, so maybe it’s okay the way it is.

#3 Sometimes there are the doctor people that make the other people feel better, except the warcraft people don’t use needles so I like them better. Mr. Celyis was telling a joke before that Mr. Illidan should squash the doctor people first, which wasn’t funny, but I thought maybe it was smarter because Mr. Illidan sure is trying hard to squash the Calzowned people, and the doctor people must make him really frustrated (like my sister when I’m mean and I sit on her). Mr. Blizzard, you should tell Mr. Illidan to get mad at the healer people, but I don’t think he has to get mad at Mr. Taio, because he always makes an angel and then takes a nap anyway.

Mr. Shinook shoots lightning at people, but his lightning makes people feel good. He shoots a lot of the good lightning, so you should squash him first (he doesn’t make angels, but sometimes he just stands back up after he lies down, which is kind of scary).

Mr. Quarantine and some of the other doctor people look like they’re kind of hard to smash though, because they have metal clothing like the tank people, and I bet the bombs wouldn’t scare them like the tanks because they have bubbles that would bounce the bombs away. Yesterday I had oatmeal, and the bowl was really hot, so I had to drop it… I bet if you put them in the Microwave they would have to take their metal clothes off because they would get hot, and then I bet Mr. Quarantine and Mr. Unfaythful and the others would look really silly standing there in just their underwear, and they’d be embarrassed and then run away after the tank people.

#37: Uh… it mostly degenerates into what seems to be a diatribe about ice cream, legos, and train sets after that sir.
BRDE:mg (III): <furiously taking notes> …bomb dropping wasps, time-outs, microwave the plate-wearers, squash healers first… got it…
#37: Sir?
BRDE:mg (III): Set up a meeting with the Raid Planning Committee, 37; tell them we have new and innovative raid encounter concepts to go over with them… oh, and 37?
#37 Yes?
BRDE:mg (III): Send a memo to the Head of External Affairs and tell him they’re going to have to do a lot better than paying off the shadowpriest’s niece to unplug his router next time…

An Ode to P5

(ok, not an ode, in fact, it barely qualifies as writing curse you…)

Why do you have plague us,
With parasites and such,
I’m trying to top some meters here,
This side thing’s just too much.

‘specially Chutoi’s big cow butt,
A bovine behind’s a drag,
He gets half way to Afriel
oh man, he starts to lag!

but don’t worry my infected friends,
we’ve got you all but covered,
uh-oh Afriel just went kasploot,
‘cuz on her Gin had hovered.

And now what is it, oh it’s fire?
Original and new!
Don’t strain yourself you Blizzard folk,
With finding something to…

Burn our tanks and make them run,
in circles they are led,
A fireball just hit Taio’s toe,
oh big surprise, he’s dead.

Well if we’re going to have to wipe,
at least they had the grace,
To smash our tanks with lasers
that were fired from outerspace

But somehow we all stumble
into phase (I think it’s three?)
Oh good, look it’s more parasites,
Did they just hit a tree?

Ah heck, I think it’s Mourninstar,
A check and yep it’s true,
That last log was a disconnect
And now it’s up to you…

…all to run like hell! She’s gonna blow!
And spew bugs all around,
I guess it’s up to mages now,
To freeze them to the ground.

How did we get to this phase 4
I guess we’ll never know.
(it’s like a kind of torture,
to have to watch this show
).

Hey that’s no Muppet over there
What’s warlock Stertly tanking?
A giant shadow Illidan,
that’s giving him a spanking!

I think it’s time to kick some butt,
hey what the heck, can’t move!
And now a demon heads this way
Uhh.. guys I think that you’ve…

…got to stop him ‘fore he gets here,
or he’ll turn me to a mess,
Why isn’t Hopkins shooting?
(Out of arrows is my guess…)

Now Throt has gone and done it,
what’s that resounding thunk?
He ran too close to Stertly,
Stormrage kicked him in the junk…

But hey, what’s this, thirty percent
surely, this cannot be?
We’ve found ourselves in last phase (five!)
And here I thought that we…

…had gone and wiped ourselves again,
oops, think I spoke too soon,
we tried to use that lousy trap,
and now this stupid goon…

…has squashed our tank, look now he’s free!
I watch my guildmates tumble,
we walked in with a swagger,
but it’s turned into a stumble.

I think that Bizzam jinxed us,
when he made that stupid bet,
but we’ll be back sometime next week,
and beat this bastard yet.

Looking For Group

Somewhere In The Barrens.

(1.General) Illidan: Is this thing on?
(1.General) HairyPotter: Four Weddings and a Murloc…
(1.General) Illidan: LFG – Black Temple – Need Paladin, Mage, Priest, Rogue.
(1.General) Deathzor: Dude, b@#ch’n name!
(1.General) Narutwo: Thanks!
(1.General) Sanitee: Reported for illegal name, enjoy your ban Illidude.
(1.General) Deathzor: Not you nubwipe, him, the Illidan guy.
(1.General) Sanitee: Blizz doesn’t let peeps use char names from the game.
(1.General) Illidan: What? No! this IS my name.
(from Droodad): <—Kil’Jaedan, we should do lunch some time.
(1.General) Palingschwing: BT is a raid instance, not a 5 man u dumb noob
(1.General) Illidan: Fools, I don’t need a raid group, I find myself without my Council of Illidari, as they were destroyed last night.
Droodad moans suggestively at Illidan.
(1.General) HairyPotter: Pulp Murloc…
(from bittlelopeep): Can you run me through WC?
(to bittlelopeep): What? What’s a WC?
(1.General) Pickles: Why are u here, everyone’s like, level 2 or something.
(1.General) Illidan: I asked in trade channel, someone named Stertly suggested I take it to barrens chat
(1.General) Underpantsman: PWNED!
(from bittlelopeep): Ur mean, I like u. Can I have 5g to training?
(1.General) Illidan: What’s the matter with you people, I can make you GODS!
(1.General) HairyPotter: Murlocs of a Lesser God…
(1.General) Pickles: What happened to your last “gods”
(1.General) Illidan: They had, shall we say, a misunderstanding with Calzowned.
(1.General) Fourplay: What’s a Calzowned?
(1.General) Chubblin: It’s an Italian pasta dish, idiot. Lrn2Eat.
(1.General) Illidan: They are a casual raiding guild
(1.General) Pickles: No it’s not, that’s a calzone
(1.General) HairyPotter: Chronicles of Murloc…
(1.General) Chubblin: Casualawl = they SuCk! Lrn2raidnubs.
(1.General) Illidan: They destroyed my Illidari Council, hence the need to recruit a new one.
(1.General) Sanitee: And u came to the barrens to find them?
(1.General) Illidan: …
(1.General) Illidan: You people aren’t level 73 elites!
(1.General) Pickles: ding! winnah!
(1.General) Illidan: STERRRTTLLYYY!!!
(1.General) Illidan: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!!!
Droodad moans suggestively at Illidan.
(1.General) Sanitee: Capslock is cruise control for cool
(1.General) Underpantsman: Srsly.

Illidari Council Down

Tragedy in Black Temple

DP
Demonic Press
Updated 1 hour, 14 minutes ago.

Black Temple – Shadowmoon Valley

Tragedy struck deep in the heart of Outlands Sunday night when a peaceful evening vigil within Black Temple was shattered by the screams of the dieing.

Witnesses say around two dozen armed militants entered the temple at around 8:50pm Central time, stopping briefly for what could only be described as a picnic, replete with buffet table. 10 minutes later, the group rose and climbed the stairs to the Den of Mortal Delights.

Mother Shahraz DownWhat followed was the stuff of nightmares; said one of the Chamber Courtesans, “It was terrible, these people walked up the stairs, and of course, the Chamberlain rushes to meet them like he’s supposed to. I’ll never forget his surprise when he looks down to discover the shiny one at the front has stabbed him with his sword!”.

Upon seeing their Chamberlain fall, many of the courtesans in the room ran to his aid, and what followed was described by onlookers as “the systematic butchery” of everyone in view.
“I’m not sure what was worse, the casual way they killed my sisters, or the relish they seemed to take in looting the bodies afterwards… it all seemed like some sort of game to them.”

The militants appeared to have some goal in mind, a goal which became all too clear as they hacked a path deep into the Den, towards Mother Sharaz. One of the assistant Chamberlains, when asked for comment, could only weep “Blood, everywhere blood”.

No survivors lived to tell the tale of what happened in that chamber with Mother, but Forensics showed a surprising variety of traumas to the body, including not only cuts and bruises, burns, frostbite, and radiation damage, but what appeared to be bite marks to the ankle area. Latecomers to the scene were aghast to find the group “sitting in front of Mother’s corpse, taking pictures like a Japanese bus tour at Disneyland”.

Asked for comment, Illidan was clearly agitated, “Am I upset? Well, sure… I mean, she was my mum. Well, not REALLY my mum, but you know, in that way she was really everyone’s mum, and then this… it’s all so, you know, senseless really”.

As emergency crews worked through the night to contain the situation, the question had to be asked of the remaining Courtesans, how they would find the strength to go on without Mother’s calming presence.

Said one, “Well, it’ll be a long day and a half, but oh man, I don’t want to be around on Tuesday when she respawns… she’s gonna be pissed”

A Brief Raid Interlude

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Blizzard Entertainment Command Bunker…

Blizzard Employee #37: Sir, we have a problem.

Blizzard Raid Development Engineer, middle grade (class II): <Sighs> What is it now, 37?

#37: We’ve received a call from an angry player sir, a mage.

BRDE:mg (II): An angry mage eh, there’s a shocker. Transfer ‘m down to the mage class mental torment R & D division, they’ll take care of it.

#37: Actually sir, he’s calling to complain about his Guild, and the sorry state of our raid encounters… he called us “pansies” sir <cringes away from BRDE:mg(II)>

angry silence falls over the bunker.

BRDE:mg (II): <glares at 37> Pansies?

#37: Uh, yeah. He said his guild keeps beating our encounters… we’re not making them tough enough.

BRDE:mg (II): That’s absurd! He’s absurd! Tell him he’s absurd! His guild is probably a bunch of mountain-dew chugging, hunch-backed toe sweaters who’ve sacrificed everything to the angry raid gods to feed their item ilevel addiction, that doesn’t count!

#37: He, umm…, says they’re a “casual” guild sir. They keep beating our BT bosses the first night they try them .

BRDE:mg (II): Akama doesn’t count, you know what we did with the hopeless incompetent that designed that sorry excuse for a raid boss.

#37: No sir, he said last week it was Bloodboil, and this week it was Reliquary. Just to rub it in, he said they’ll probably go ahead and finish Mother this Sunday because they haven’t really got anything better to do.

BRDE:mg (II): By Archimonde’s pee-stained tighty whities! What the hell is his problem anyway?!?

#37 : He can’t play Wednesdays, sir.

BRDE:mg (II): Can’t. Play. Wednesdays?

#37: No sir. He says that on Tuesdays, they farm all the earlier bosses they’ve done before, then on Wednesdays his guild kills the next new boss. He’s angry because he doesn’t get to participate.

BRDE:mg (II): Doesn’t participate?

#37: He plays twice per week.

BRDE:mg (II): <deflates> Twice per week… what does he think WE can do about this.

#37: Well, for starters, he’s hoping we can turn the difficulty up on Wednesday nights… I believe he said ‘crank her to 11 midweek’, whatever that means; either that, or nerf warlocks, hunters, warriors, and rogues.

BRDE:mg (II): <knowing smile spreads across his face> AHA! Beneath it all, I taste the sweet tang of mage qq tears! 37, patch through to the mage class mental torment R & D division, tell them we’ve got a live one for them.

BRDE:mg (II): Oh, and #37, let’s see if we can’t slow these guys down some… <sinister chuckle>. Call double agent Chutoi and make sure he’s available on Wednesday nights, that should take care of “progression” for a while…

1-2-3, that’s good enough for me.

No, not talking about a rolling stop.

It took exactly three tries to lance the boil on Gurtogg’s hairy…

Well, let’s not go there.

This guild, casual though it may be, has a tendency to blow through the more mundane bosses the moment you blink, and they did it to me again last week. The callous disregard they show for our more temporally overallocated members by first timing bosses hurtses us, yes it does precious.

As such, those of us who can only play two nights per week, may have to start putting out contracts on the Wednesday Nighters in an effort to slow them down, so we get a chance to come out to play too.

So if you happen to know any alliance of questionable ethic and moral fiber, who roam in packs and wouldn’t mind jumping lone Calzowned members on wednesday nights when they have them seriously outnumbered, please send them…

HA! See what I did there! That describes all of you, you alliance pansies! (apologies to Jeskia, who is only a part-time pansy). I’m not going to pay for what I can get for free!

(On the other hand, feel free to gank any and all calzowned members you come across on Wednesdays. Those of us with less free time on our hands may just thank you for it.)

Oh yeah, and congrats on Bloodboil.

I guess.

(jerks).

More than one way to skin a Cat

Archipwned Archimonde down.

 

This one felt good. Really, really good.

It took our fair share of nights to get Archimonde to finally drop for us. Lots of simmering frustration and lip biting… concerns about whether we’d manage it or not. This one was different from Gorefiend though, in that there didn’t seem to be a way for everyone to “learn” the fight sufficiently to beat it… it just seemed like no matter what we did, fire would slash through the melee group like the sword of Zorro… I swear it would come from every direction at once, and we’d suddenly have half a dozen people with doomfire.

But everyone kept their cool.

Each guild has it’s own strategy for beating him… for us, it was bringing 11 healers. We’d gotten really good at using the tears, and nobody was cratering… our healers were kicking butt on the main tank heals, and Throt makes stance dancing the fears look effortless, and yet, we just couldn’t seem to get past the fires.

So for us, the solution was more healing. Not sure we’re quite ready to proclaim him as being on farm status, but this was probably the most gratifying kill yet for everyone, if the cheers in Vent were to be measured from boss to boss. Knowing what we know now should make future attempts more feasible for us.

Sadly, Bizz was missing for Father’s day, while the rest of us less adequate parental types skipped out to raid Hyjal.
Maybe next time Bizz.

Awesome job, guys!

Ghost of a Chance.

Teron Gorefiend down, Archimonde teetering.

It’s funny how sometimes the best strategy is just to walk away. After a brief break from progression raids, we came back and dropped Gorefiend on our second serious attempt, which left plenty of time to go back and visit Archimonde.

Even with several new people, we had our best night on the Hyjal boss, with 3 of 11 tries seeing Archi in the low 30’s. In fact, across the board, Sunday night’s attempts were solid, with only a few being early jumps into the fire for a quick rebuff and go (including 1 in which the MT got hit by no less than 3 seperate doomfire trails at the same time… go go random number generator).

Fortunately for us, at no point did anyone with a curse die while standing beside a mage with a perfectly functional decursing set up on his raid bars.

Ever.

That’s my story… I’m sticking with it.

(Stertly stepped into doomfire or something).

Is it getting hot in here?

Azgalor Down. Archimonde on deck.

What is it with Blizz, and standing in fire? I suppose it’s one way to tell if people are asleep at the wheel or not. Tonight we got our first real shots at Azgalor and it really felt like the night was on cruise control; we were finishing all the waves early, and dropped him on the second attempt. We would’ve probably one shotted him except for a certain someone who didn’t get to Thrall quite as quickly as they expected Blink would get them there… well… ahem… yes, let’s move on (nothing to see here).

Archimonde is a whole other matter.

It’s pretty clear this guy is going to be the biggest test of guild patience and perseverance we’ve faced. I don’t remember another fight where you can so clearly point the finger of absolute undeniable blame at an individual for causing a wipe… it’s really a rather cruel joke on Blizz’s part. We’ve read that this is really a test of individual skill, but more than anything it feels like it’s more of a test of guild unity. You’re going to wipe, and it’s going to be someone’s fault.

Regardless, I blame Bizzam, seeing as how he was off living the life of a high roller in Vegas while the rest of us learned how to play “guess how much lag you have before you splat into the ground”, or at least those of us who don’t have “Blink” (suckers!).

(oh, wait… raid wipe, right. Please press the Shiny Red Button at the right time, everyone).

We’ll be back to roll them bones a few more times Archi. You wait and see.

That was a boss fight?

Last time I wrote one of these, I did it from the perspective of Auctioneer Yarley (highly recommended, I wouldn’t use anyone else… the rest of them are crooks).

This week though, I actually got to attend the weekly slashfest through Black Temple and had the satisfaction of abusing Supremus and Shade.

What made the experience all the more fun, was how quickly the Shade of Akama encounter is over, and the stunned silence where all the noobs (yah, me) nervously glance around, waiting for the other shoe to drop, while uniformly wondering, “that was a boss fight?”. I suppose I’m making light of everyone else’s coordination, but in the time it took to figure out what it was I was supposed to be sheeping, we were looking down at the loot-infested-still-smoking corpse, and wondering when phase 2 was going to start.

On the other hand, it’s nice to get a break from encounters that are drawn out, and right on the ragged edge. Tonight we one-shotted Naj’entus, Supremus, and Akama, but didn’t get to try any further because we spent the first half of the raid night doing progression on Azgalor, which isn’t nearly as much fun, since a wipe means drudging through the 8 waves of aoe again. Hopefully we’ll get a shot at Archimonde later this week… yeah, nice and easy… that’ll be fun.